Episode #53: The Parts of You with Dr. Kristi Angevine

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Summary

High-achievers are used to taking massive action, but if you’re feeling fatigued by all the action you’re taking, this episode is for you. Action matters, but the way you experience your life matters even more, so we’re taking a deep dive into the solution: a coaching modality called Internal Family Systems.

I’m bringing Dr. Kristi Angevine back to the podcast to share her experience and expertise with Internal Family Systems. Kristi specializes in understanding and unraveling habits, especially when our habits work against the goals we have. She loves coaching high-achievers like you, and what she’s sharing about Internal Family Systems will bring valuable perspective to every aspect of your life.

Tune in this week to discover everything you need to know about Internal Family Systems. Kristi is sharing the different parts of us that are in conflict with each other, and why some parts of us are louder than others. Most importantly, we’re discussing how you can get to know each part of yourself better, showing each part compassion as you work towards your goals.

To celebrate one year of this podcast, I'm hosting a giveaway for all of my listeners. To enter, head over to your favorite podcast platform and leave a rating and review. Take a screenshot of your review and follow the simple prompts here to share it with me and submit your entry. One lucky listener is going to win pair of Apple AirPods! The contest ends on Tuesday, April 18th, 2023, at midnight and I'll be sharing the winner shortly after. Thank you so much for celebrating with me!

What You’ll Learn from this Episode:

• How Kristi first became interested in Internal Family Systems.
• What Internal Family Systems is and why understanding IFS is valuable for high-achievers.
• The parts of you that are in conflict with each other, and why you have to work on each part individually.
• How all of your parts have a positive intent, even the critical parts of you.
• Why some of your parts are louder than others, but none of your parts are actually bad.
• How, as high-achievers, we bulldoze over our normal human experience, instead of recognizing and acknowledging our feelings.
• What changes when you start getting curious about the parts of you that are in conflict with each other.
• How to see the different parts of you that are in conflict when it comes to food.
• What you can do to navigate your experience when part of you is driving you to take an action, like overeating, that another part of you doesn’t like.

Listen to the Full Episode:

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Featured on the Show:

• Want to work with me? Let's talk on a consult call: click here to book your call
• Learn more about The Unstoppable Group by clicking here.
• Click here to sign up for my email list  
• Dr. Kristi Angevine: Website | Instagram | LinkedIn | Podcast
• Episode #30: Unraveling Habits with Dr. Kristi Angevine
• Episode #51: My Son and Disappointment
• Internal Family Systems Institute
• Richard C. Schwartz
• No Bad Parts: Healing Trauma and Restoring Wholeness with the Internal Family Systems Model by Richard C. Schwartz
• Movie: Inside Out
• Dr. Becky Kennedy

Full Episode Transcript:

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• Dr. Priyanka Venugopal: Hey, this is Dr. Priyanka Venugopal, and you're listening to The Unstoppable Mom Brain Podcast, Episode 53, The Parts of You with Dr. Kristi Angevine. Today I am bringing my friend back to the podcast to share her experience with Internal Family Systems, which you're going to hear about in just a few moments.

  I had Kristi on the podcast a while ago, and I wanted to bring her back to keep our conversation going about habits and really uncovering and unraveling why we ever do what we do, especially when it works against the goals that we have. I think especially high achievers are so used to taking massive action that sometimes it almost feels like a ninja skill for high achievers.

  But if you've ever felt like you're taking a lot of action and feeling fatigue in it, this episode is for you. Yes, action matters, but the way you experience your life in taking action matters even more. Before we get into the conversation today, I have an ask of you. I am celebrating the one-year anniversary with a giveaway.

  If you can take 30 seconds to go to your favorite podcast platform, leave a reading and review, grab a screenshot, and then share it with me over at theunstoppablemombrain.com/celebrate. You will be entered in the giveaway. This is just one way to help The Unstoppable Mom Brain Podcast be more discoverable and in the ears of more women, which seriously, for me, is the absolute best way to celebrate.

  The giveaway is going to go until April 18th, and the lucky winner is going to win a pair of Apple AirPods. This is just to make your podcast listening even more enjoyable, so I would greatly appreciate you if you could take the 30 seconds, leave a reading and review and share that screenshot with us over at theunstoppablemombrain.com/celebrate.

  Thank you all so, so much. Now let's get into my conversation with Dr. Kristi Angevine. If you want to reach your ideal weight and create lightness for your body, you need to have simplicity, joy, and strategic decisions infused into your life. I'm a physician turned life and weight loss coach for ambitious working moms.

  I've lost over 60 pounds without counting points, calories or crazy exercise plans. Most importantly, I feel calm and light on the scale and in my life. There's some delicious magic when you learn this work and the skills I'm going to be teaching. Ready? Let's get to it.

  Hello. Welcome back. My Unstoppable Friends. I have the lovely Dr. Kristi Angevine back on the podcast. I have already introduced her in the intro, but just briefly, I'm going to have her introduce herself. She came on the podcast back, I think it was episode 30, where we talked about habits, which is her area of expertise.

  She is a lovely human. She's an OB/GYN, and she's the host of the Habits on Purpose Podcast, which you have to go listen to. And today we're going to take a deeper dive into a different coaching modality that I think, Kristi, you are an expert in, and I would love to hear your perspectives about it.

  But before we jump into that, tell us again about you, if anyone is new to you, and we're gonna get into it.

  Dr. Kristi Angevine: Yeah. Well, it's so fun to be here. I'll see these as excuses to connect and then everyone else just gets to sort of listen to what we would naturally jam on even if we weren't recording. Yeah. So, thank you for having me.

  I'm Kristi Angevine and I am an OB/GYN turned life coach. I love coaching high achievers who have habits like overthinking, over complicating, self-doubt, perfectionism, catastrophizing, all the things that I am my own expert in, in the past or have been. And I love focusing on habits, particularly what I call hidden habits.

  So, I have my own podcast, as you know, and yeah, that's what I love to do.

  Dr. Priyanka Venugopal: I love it. And one of the things that Kristi and I were talking about before she came on the podcast today was, we knew, actually even back in episode 30, we were like, we need to keep this conversation going. And we touched on some of the topics.

  I think, I love that you called it Hidden Habits, but you know, we, we touched on habits before and we like, I think we started painting an analogy with the rainforests and creatures, and we had all kinds of crazy analogies, but tell us a little bit about your exploration into coaching, but then how you got into what we're talking about today, which is internal family systems and why this matters.

  I think especially for high achievers to think about their personalities, the way they feel about things with that lens.

  Dr. Kristi Angevine: Okay, I'll try to do that piece by piece.

  Dr. Priyanka Venugopal: So yes, I know I asked you a lot just now.

  Dr. Kristi Angevine: That's good. I think I'll try to remember all three of them and we'll go where we go. So I got into coaching because, yeah, I felt like it gave me a lens to understand myself in a way that I never had before.

  And the things that really hit home for me were, you know, when we talked about thoughts creating and influencing our feelings. For me, it was the realization that I had a choice about my thoughts that was such a big one. And then learning how to be with my feelings instead of always judging, resisting, or trying to fix them.

  And then probably one of the most amazing parts of sort of applying all the things I learned in coaching to myself was being able to reconnect to my somatic bodily experience because I sort of lived my life head up with a black box below the neck, right? You know, neck up, I should say. When I really got interested in habits because I did a lot of coaching on over drinking, and a lot of people did not want to be open about the fact that they were seeking a new relationship with alcohol or a new relationship with food or a new relationship with habits that felt like they had a life of their own.

  And so, when I realized that over drinking was just a habit, It was sort of an easier way for people to talk about things, and that sort of was a seed that helped my sort of passion for exploring how we form habits and what habits are, you know, we talked about hidden habits, you know? Mm-hmm. There are the overt habits of our behaviors, but then there are the hidden habits, like second guessing and beating ourselves up that go on under the surface that we might not even notice.

  So then fast forward to discovering internal family systems. How sweet that you called me an expert. I have parts of me that are like, oh, well I need to tell Priyanka that yes, it's a passion of mine. There are people who've studied this for decades, since its inception, who I would call the experts.

  But when it comes to integrating internal family systems with coaching, I think it's just the best thing ever. And you asked why it matters. Let me just pass it back to you.

  Dr. Priyanka Venugopal: Yeah.

  Dr. Kristi Angevine: And sort of like from there, you can ask me before you get into like...

  Dr. Priyanka Venugopal: Yeah. Before you get into why it matters, I, I think the, lemme tell you why I call you an expert because, you know, we follow each other on social media, on Facebook and Instagram and you have mentioned internal family systems for many months now.

  Like, I've seen your posts, I follow you. And I think what I think of as an expert is, maybe not the traditional definition of an expert. I think of an expert as someone that is deeply passionate about a specific topic and then goes and pursues personal transformation in that field. And then as again, as kind of you touched on.

  When we experience our own transformation, I feel like we become an expert in our own right, simply because we experienced the transformation. So, like what you were saying with over drinking, and for me it was, you know, weight loss and overeating. I think you and I have both been our own first client in a sense, which is I think what makes us experts in what we talk about.

  So, the reason I feel like I call myself an expert in weight loss for high achieving working moms is because that was me. Right. And like with you, I think we get to really talk to ourselves about being experts in something because we did the work and now, we get to share a personal perspective of why that matters.

  So maybe before we get into why internal family systems or IFS matters, like what it can maybe define it for us and how did you even discover it?

  Dr. Kristi Angevine: Yeah, so, so I love your definition of expert, just by the way, for anybody who's listening who does that thing where like, Ooh, but I'm not the expert. I definitely identify with feeling like an expert when it comes to applying things from internal family systems through basically two habits and two, my clients and myself. So that's, I love how you described that. So Internal Family Systems is a modality in psychotherapy that was created by Richard Schwartz. Dick Schwartz. And it came out of all of his research when he was doing therapy with a lot of youth who had eating disorders.

  Dr. Priyanka Venugopal: Mm-hmm.

  Dr. Kristi Angevine: Particularly bulimia.

  Dr. Priyanka Venugopal: Mm-hmm.

  Dr. Kristi Angevine: And he was trying to use his lens of a family therapist to help them. And you know, in family therapy the paradigm is, well, you can't fix the kid. You need to look at the entire family and understand the entire context. You can't just tell the kid to eat differently if they've got an over controlling authoritarian parent or a sibling who is bullying them.

  You have to look at the entire thing. And when he tries to use the tenants from that to a lot of his youth who were, you know, constantly binging and purging, he found it just didn't work. It wasn't complete. They started talking in this language that he refers to and ultimately referred to as parts. They would say things like, well, there's a part of me that something happens in my life, and then this critical part comes in and just tells me I did a horrible job and was so worthless.

  And then to the rescue comes this part that says, well, just, you know, you can just bury yourself in food and you can escape, and you'll feel so much better. And then as soon as I do, my critic comes back, and this part tells me I'm such a loser. I'm awful. And he recognized that these were different parts.

  And these different parts, instead of just being all the conflicting thoughts we have in our head, you know, where they ping pong from, you know, the, the one part of us says this and the other part of us says this. He said, no. These are actually distinct sub-personalities and entities, and if we treat them as such, we can get to know ourselves better.

  Dr. Priyanka Venugopal: Hmm. So, like, I love the idea of parts and you know, what's coming up for me is, is how so many and, and I feel like this was me and probably so many of our clients, is the conflict that we experience between our parts. So, there's a part of me, yes, that wants to hit a goal, but then there's this other part of me that really wants this immediate gratification, or there's a part of me that wants to criticize my work, but there's a part of me that wants to be compassionate and curious.

  So, like before we get into, because I feel like there's a perpetual struggle there until we maybe unpack this, but before we get to how to unpack it, what is it that you think lets some parts have a louder voice versus other parts of us? Because I feel like that's what then drives our behavior. Right.

  When one part kind of starts to take over, you know, for lack of a better phrase, but how do you, how would you say, like what, at least for some parts to take over versus other parts?

  Dr. Kristi Angevine: Yeah, so the idea with parts is that all of our parts have a positive intent. So, in general, they are doing whatever their role is, like offering criticism or offering escape or offering, setting a goal because they are trying to protect you from, you know, experiencing something else, or they are trying to help you adapt in a way that keeps sort of your whole system in equilibrium. You know, the idea is, see if there's homeostasis, if there's inner safety, if there's a sense of security, all as well. So, in some of these parts, their job is to make sure that you don't feel flooded by powerlessness, helplessness, shame. These more tender parts of us.

  Dr. Priyanka Venugopal: Mm-hmm.

  Dr. Kristi Angevine: And they're kind of like, the image that I love telling people about is there's a picture on the internet somewhere. It's this huge, massive dog, and it's sitting next to this teeny tiny baby on a picnic blanket in the sun. And we can think of parts as the teeny tiny baby is the part that if it is activated, like it will scream, it will yell.

  We will be completely flooded with all these really awful emotions. And the big dog is sort of like the other parts that are like, listen, if I can criticize you enough so that you don't activate my deep shame, I've done my job.

  Dr. Priyanka Venugopal: Mm-hmm.

  Dr. Kristi Angevine: So sometimes parts can come up and be really loud simply because they're doing their job to protect or help you adapt in some way. And whichever part can be the loudest in the moment, it's just the part that will, and parts are complex. Like, just like you think about external family dynamics, like you go to, I don't know, a holiday dinner and there's all sorts of complexity that, you know, the outside observer might not appreciate. Same thing happens internally.

  Parts have dynamics, you know, like we talked about the sort of disordered eating, you know, parts where there's the critic that comes in and then they, you know, what we call like the firefighter that swoops in to douse out the flames with food. There's polarities and they sometimes don't like each other.

  And sometimes they have that, which you said so nicely, that conflict where we have one saying something, another saying something, and they go back and forth in ways that can leave us feeling torn. We're just feeling like we don't really know what we think, like what's the actual truth when we have all these different ones.

  Dr. Priyanka Venugopal: Yeah, and I think, you know, I like that you're referring to it as complex because you know, sometimes I, I think that we think logically, we understand this very logically, we can say like, yes, okay, I have the critic, or yes, I have that compassionate voice in my mind. And I think that sometimes there's a confusion as to, okay, I understand it logically, why can't I activate my compassionate voice on purpose?

  But I think what you're bringing up is that there is complexity and layers. It's like layers of an onion. There are layers in understanding our parts. Just like any human, like when you go to a holiday dinner, there are layers in understanding the human across the table from you. So I think that, you know, the part that I find to be the most fascinating in this is how even the critic is meant to protect you.

  And I think this is hard. Even when my clients, when I tell my clients every single time they overeat, I'm like, that was the best decision you made. And they're like, what are you talking about? They wanna fight me on this. And I think that, you know, maybe we can speak to this a little bit, but that moment when you make a decision to eat when you're not hungry, or to overeat or to overdrink or to overthink was your brain in that moment.

  And we're not talking about it in retrospect, cuz in retrospect it's a whole different ball game. But at the moment it was your best decision at the time.

  Dr. Kristi Angevine: 100%.

  Dr. Priyanka Venugopal: If we can understand why, it was the best decision at the time, that's when we can unravel, you know, how we might wanna change it moving forward.

  But can you speak a little bit to like that piece, how certain parts they start to become louder, maybe the critic or the overeater or the over drinker or the overthinker. How is it that we can start to really hear that, okay, this voice is taking over and like how do we start navigating that experience?

  Dr. Kristi Angevine: Yeah, so I think it's so important for your listeners to just really hear what you just said, that there will be times where a part of us will drive us to take an action that in retrospect, another part of us has thoughts about. So when you say like, my clients wanna fight me by saying, Hey, that was the best decision you could have made. There's a part of them.

  Dr. Priyanka Venugopal: Mm-hmm.

  Dr. Kristi Angevine: That doesn't like the other parts' actions, right. So right. It's sort of like in retrospect, that logical part that's like, well, but I know better, and I made a plan and I said I would follow through and I would allow my urges and I would do all these things and that's the right thing and that's for my future.

  That part has a lot to say about the part that in the moment made the actual best decision that was available at the time. In terms of, first off, just sort of recognizing that if you conceptualize everything is going on in your mind and body as a multiplicity, like to get back to the, you know, the ecosystem, you know, rainforest analogy we used before.

  But if it's multiplicity, you can think about it sort of like if every part were, and I like to use the idea of a bunch of kindergartners, not to infantilize our parts, but just be like, there's a bunch of kids.

  Dr. Priyanka Venugopal: Mm-hmm.

  Dr. Kristi Angevine: And all of them have different agendas and sometimes some of them are kind of loud. Then there's the kindergarten teacher who is sort of the leader of the system who's like, ah, I recognize so-and-so's being super loud, and I recognize this one doesn't like that one.

  When you think about it like that, if you have a part that's being really loud, let's just say there's a part that's like, screw it. I don't care. I'm eating this right now. I deserve it. I just want it, one won't hurt, no problem. That, you know, like the plan from yesterday is the dumbest thing ever. I'll figure it out.

  When that part comes on board, you will have a certain bodily experience of it, whether it is desire or ambivalence or whatever it is.

  Dr. Priyanka Venugopal: Mm-hmm.

  Dr. Kristi Angevine: Anytime you're feeling an emotion or you're hearing lots of thoughts that seem like they have an agenda, and the emotion is anything other than just really open curiosity, warmth, clarity, anything where we just be like, Hey, that just feels like just me in my best state.

  If it's anything else, you can say, oh, this is a part. And sometimes just, you know, I call it the three N's.

  Dr. Priyanka Venugopal: Mm-hmm.

  Dr. Kristi Angevine: Just noticing that, naming it, and normalizing it. So, notice, name, normalize, that's how you can, what we call sort of differentiate yourself or unblend from a part. So, there's a part that's like, let's just eat.

  When you notice that, you go, oh, there's a part of me that right now wants to go against my plan from yesterday. And you might also notice at the same time, there's a part of me that's telling me that's the worst decision ever. What's your problem? Ooh, that doesn't feel so good. Oh, there's like a bunch of kindergartners or people talking to me at once.

  No wonder I wanna go eat this food because its kind of will make it all be quiet if I just go eat. Okay?

  Dr. Priyanka Venugopal: Mm-hmm.

  Dr. Kristi Angevine: And when you can notice it and then be like, this is a part and unblend, as we call it, where you just go, huh, that's what's here right now. I wonder why that's here. That's when the parts kind of get a little quieter and you can actually listen to them individually.

  Dr. Priyanka Venugopal: Mm. I really love that. I think you know what's coming to mind is I know that sometimes when we talk about just becoming aware of what you're thinking. I think that's kinda what you're referring to, like becoming aware of the voice, noticing it. Oh, like, oh, this is a part of me that's just having an opinion.

  I think sometimes, and I know that I've done this, is sometimes it's like that can't be it. That can't be enough, but it really is like observing your thoughts. You know, the observer effect is like an actual phenomenon where when you observe yourself, you fundamentally change it. And I think that sometimes we, especially high achievers, want to move, right to like, what do I do?

  We want the strategic action plan, and I know, cuz I've done it plenty. It's like, tell me the steps, steps one, two, and three. Tell me the steps that I can tangibly take. But what that is implying is that just observing yourself and catching yourself in these thoughts and finding those parts is not powerful on its own.

  And I am curious what you're, have you, did you ever experience that when you first discovered coaching? And even IFS like just becoming aware of my thoughts isn't enough, like I need the next, what are the next tangible steps versus like what we're talking about? It's like, no, it's incredibly powerful when you actually just super become aware.

  Dr. Kristi Angevine: Yeah, absolutely. So, there's a couple pieces to this that are super important and that number one is just acknowledging. You and I, and probably all the listeners here, probably have a very strong fix it, figure it out parts that are logical, very intellectual, that are like, let's get shit done. Like, mm-hmm awesome.

  Good check awareness, and let's move on and do the things. And then doing is how I create the results. And those parts probably don't quite understand that the awareness is actually essential without the time spent with the awareness, all the doing kind of misses some of the pieces, right? That's sort of like if I make a checklist for myself, but the whole time I'm being mean to myself while I do my checklist, at the end of the day, some stuff will be done, and I will still feel awful.

  Right? So, the awareness is actually absolutely fundamental and sometimes we just don't know what that means though. Like we don't know, like, so great. I'm aware of some thoughts. Now what?

  Dr. Priyanka Venugopal: Right.

  Dr. Kristi Angevine: Now what? Instead of going to, okay, gimme the things to do. Okay. When I'm really aware, this is how I think the kindergarten thing is really helpful.

  If there's thoughts and we are aware of them, being aware of them is like a little kid who comes up and tells you some things and be like, yeah, I see you. Okay. What do I need to do? Is one thing.

  Dr. Priyanka Venugopal: Mm-hmm.

  Dr. Kristi Angevine: But if we say, oh, I hear these are the thoughts you're having. It makes so much sense you're having those thoughts. They're there for a good reason.

  Your perspective is totally welcome here. There's probably some motivation at the core of why you're doing what you're doing. I don't really know what it is, but I'd be so interested to find out where you're coming from. That feels totally different, right? Like when we feel, you know, that feeling of feeling really seen and held and understood, when our parts feel seen and held and understood and validated, then they usually soften and then they don't feel, so basically, if we say, yeah, inner critical thoughts, okay, moving on.

  And then we go, do stuff. That part of us offered those things. It knows that we're just being superficial, and we're sort of like, yeah, I'm so curious. Like why are you doing what you're doing? So, if I like to pretend to listen, then maybe you'll go away. They just come back with a vengeance later. They kind of get louder. Like kindergartners would they just...

  Dr. Priyanka Venugopal: Yeah. Don't feel heard.

  Dr. Kristi Angevine: ...increase intensity.

  Dr. Priyanka Venugopal: It's like they ...

  Dr. Kristi Angevine: Don't feel heard.

  Dr. Priyanka Venugopal: So they, and I've shared on this before, so like I just wanna touch on two points. One is I think especially high-achieving working moms are masterful doers. Like this is a ninja skill you have, and I think it's a superpower.

  If you are listening to this and you're a working mom, it's a ninja skill you have. And also, it makes a lot of sense that you rely on doing because it is a ninja skill. It's probably gotten you very far in your work life or in your mom life, or maybe balancing both. And I think that the best example, I recently had a podcast episode on my son and disappointment and piano, and I was sharing this example where I used to take piano lessons.

  And, you know, my, my parents would be like, okay, sit on the piano. And so the action would be for me to sit on the piano for, you know, however many 30 minutes and practice the piano. So I was doing the action, but I wasn't actually there. Like I didn't want to be there. I didn't like being there. I felt forced to be there.

  I felt like I wasn't being heard. It felt like I could be physically doing the action, but totally disconnected from the activity. And I think the reason I like to give that example is we think that our results, becoming a better piano player or stop overeating, stop over drinking, stop ruminating is going to come from the action of not doing something or doing something.

  But what we're talking about, it's, it's really going to come from you connecting with the part of you that wants to or does not want to do something. It's like I keep thinking, like I could have sat at the piano for who knows how many hours. I would never have become a better piano player. Because I didn't want to be there and I wonder like, you know, if I had connected with the instrument or understood why I don't wanna be there and really explored that more, whether that would've shifted something for me.

  But I'm curious what you think about that. Cuz I think high achievers especially really want to do it simply because it is their area of expertise. That's where we think results come from. Because you and I both know as physicians, as OB/GYNs, listen, results come from doing. Right. Especially procedurally, and I think what we're talking about is really a departure from that, specifically for high achievers.

  Dr. Kristi Angevine: Yeah, so I think there's the fact that your listeners, they have this as a super skill and this is a strength. We just wanna honor that's actually an extremely effective skill to have. Without that skill, there are some things that are gonna be much more difficult. And that skill works in certain contexts and is a beautiful match for certain jobs.

  Right? So you and I are at the hospital and there's an emergency C-section. We're not going to just be like, let me understand what's going on in my mind. We're going to move into action together. Right? Yeah. We'll divide and conquer. Even if you and I are the only two people on the planet, we're gonna get that shit taken care of, right?  We're gonna act.

  Dr. Priyanka Venugopal: Yeah. So can you imagine though, in that moment it's like there's an emergency and it's like, let's just pause and listen to how we feel. That's not what we're talking about. Right?

  Dr. Kristi Angevine: So, in that same vein, neither of us are suggesting that being able to do things to create results, Is a problem that you should fix or change? No. Keep doing it.

  Dr. Priyanka Venugopal: Yes.

  Dr. Kristi Angevine: There's probably, like, the way I would put it is there are parts of us that are really, really good about multitasking, getting things done, and those parts are great. We get to love those parts of us. We're like, yes, good. Like I get to like, I've sort of like that's my consultant who takes care of things when there's 17 things to do and like we're going to the amusement park on vacation and gotta make sure I remember all the awesome. Let that part be activated and also, since that's not how we live our lives always, we're not always doing the piano analogy is gorgeous for this. Anytime you notice that desire to go do things that has an urgent quality to it, sort of like it's not just a matter of fact, this is what we do. This is how we get out of the house. We're doing, gonna do 17 things in about 30 seconds and when it's gotta, I don't know, just a sense of like, if some people could see me here, I'd like making these funny gestures.

  I'm trying to convey this sense of like, er, gotta get this done right. Whenever it's that. That's when we get curious about why there's such a tension or a pressure or a stress or an anxiety driving the desire to do, do, do, do, do. Because usually that's a part that's like, I don't know what else to do, so I'm gonna do this thing that I've done so much that has worked in these other situations, which is beautiful.

  But in cases where you're trying to look at sort of the reasons why you might eat more than you want, or the reasons why you might ruminate, or reasons why you might beat yourself up, doing isn't gonna be the answer so much as understanding.

  Dr. Priyanka Venugopal: Yes, and I wanna just actually even go back to that emergency C-section example.

  I actually think about, like I imagine the new attending, you know, if you're a resident that recently graduated and maybe you're a brand new attending and it's your first emergency where you are the attending in charge, this actually does apply to you. So I know I was laughing earlier about like you're not gonna pause and look at your feelings when you're in the middle of, you know, saving a patient. But I actually want you to think about that moment, what is the experience? Not even just a new attending, but even a seasoned attending when there's an emergency that's about to happen because we're human, we're going to have an emotional response. Maybe there is going to be some fear or worry.

  You want to make sure you make the best, most strategic choices and decisions like in line and service with the patient. And I think what we're talking about is in that moment, I think high achievers especially do is we kind of bulldoze past that experience because we think we have to be quote unquote strong.

  We have to be very powerful. We have to be authoritative, and I think what you're referring to is just taking like five seconds to recognize and validate. If you do feel fear, worry, nervous, whatever that voice is, right before you go to the OR right before you like, you know, pick up the scalpel. It's like, I hear you, you're nervous because you care about this.

  I hear you. And it's like just normalizing that experience allows you to stop bulldozing over your normal human experience. And I wanted to share that specifically because I see in the Facebook groups, you know, if you're in any of these Facebook groups, I am in like these physician moms, OB/GYN mom, Facebook groups, and I can see how so many physicians, they care so much about doing a good job.

  They care so much about their patients, about like over-delivering to, you know, their practices and their hospitals and they do it at the expense of them. They start burning out, and I feel like this is one of the reasons because they're not, you know, using the three ends when they're having an, a normal human experience when they're doing something really hard or really big.

  So, I kind of wanna just highlight that because I know we were just kinda like, oh no, like you're not gonna sit there and pause, but like, actually kind of, maybe you could.

  Dr. Kristi Angevine: Oh, absolutely. I, yeah, I, I love that. Like, because we're not going to stop and spend 10 minutes and journal and call a friend. We're still gonna be moving towards getting things done, but sort of that more advanced skill is recognizing that yes, as a human I'm going to have all these, you know, thoughts and feelings come up.

  And I like to think about it as like in those, like a micro pause where five seconds you can do like an internal roll call, sort of like you're taking attendance and inventory of like who's here? Oh, there's a part of me that is super scared that this could go wrong and doesn't want it to be there. There's a part of me that deeply cares.

  There's a part of me that's worried about the interaction I'm gonna have with that relative that like, things were kind of like, okay, I noticed like all these like conviction, like a little mouse pop on your shoulder, you got a bunch of 'em, they're all like here.

  Dr. Priyanka Venugopal: Mm-hmm.

  Dr. Kristi Angevine: And you can be like, go away. I don't wanna have anything to do with you. You need to go away so I can focus. Or you can be like, hmm, I noticed they're all here. Amazing. Trust me, I've got this. And any parts that you notice, like in those micro moments being like, I noticed there's fear, I noticed there's annoyance at that relative, I notice there's hopefulness this will go, okay. I notice I am... all of a sudden, I just remembered that case. It was really difficult. Okay, I notice all those and you can sort of tell yourself internally like, okay, so for now I'm gonna focus on the task at hand cuz this is what, you know, we got business to tend to and we've got about 10 seconds before we've got to go.

  And if in the aftermath I notice any of my parts need some attention, you've got it. Promise I'll be there. And then you follow through on your promise. It's sort of like telling, you know, a young kid.

  Dr. Priyanka Venugopal: Yes.

  Dr. Kristi Angevine: I promise. I will listen to you. Once we leave the grocery store, we'll sit and have a talk about these big emotions. For now, because there's people waiting in line, we're gonna have to just wait.

  But I promise I'll be back, and we'll touch base later. So, there's to...

  Dr. Priyanka Venugopal: ... follow through, have time for you to fall through, and then you just like...

  Dr. Kristi Angevine: Then after the C-sections are over and you go wow, that was super intense. That anxiety I had when I was remembering that old case, okay, what's going on there? What do you need?

  What's happening? And it's just that sort of super kind and curious and like, yeah, I'm gonna follow through. I said I would be back. Here I am. Where it creates a sort of trust. And that's the part of the Intro family system so I think it's really important to note if they don't pose it that there's just a bunch of parts that we're just running around just a bunch of like this multiple personality, right? You know, chaos. Like there's all these parts that have developed for good reasons. They all have positive intent. They all matter. And some of them carry these burdens and because of that, they are in roles that may, they may not love, and they don't realize that they don't have to be in and sort of at the center or at the hub is you that's not a part. It's the sturdy leader of the system. The one who's like, ah, yes, I see all my parts and I'm here with compassion, confidence, and curiosity and clarity. To sort of be the one to sort of facilitate and coordinate all my beautiful parts.

  Dr. Priyanka Venugopal: Mm. And you know, right when you just said that, like, you know, some of those parts are carrying a really heavy burden.

  Like, I just was like, oh, little kindergartner carrying this heavy burden. And you know, here we uh huh what, and at least I know for me is like, I used to feel really annoyed when I would have some of those bigger emotions like annoyance, frustration, anger, irritation, definitely urges to like to eat in the middle of the night or like the nachos or the glass of wine.

  And I think that when you paint the picture in that way, those parts are carrying a heavy burden and they may not even want to be carrying the burden. All of a sudden, I kind of feel this resistance drop and I'm like, oh, like I can almost have a little bit of compassion for that part. And I imagine with your kindergarten classroom example, like when we can have some compassion for that kid that is acting up, acting out, kind of maybe even disrupting the ecosystem of the class because they're being so loud.

  When we can have compassion for that voice, I just imagine. If we could pause in that moment and see that this little part is carrying this burden, how recognizing just that allows the kid to put the burden down. Like maybe they don't have to try so hard to get my attention anymore. Because what you were saying, like, I promise I'm going to come back.

  I promise I'm gonna hear what you have to say. It's like maybe they don't have to try so hard, and I wonder for you what you think about this in your experience coaching on using IFS like. Do you feel like the fatigue that high achievers experience is because they're fighting these parts and I wonder like, what do you think about that?

  I'm like, I know. I'm like, take the detour. But that's where my brain went.

  Dr. Kristi Angevine: Oh, I don't think it's a detour at all. I think it's beautiful. It makes perfect sense. I think that's a great way to put it, that when there are parts battling each other, It can feel exhausting, right? Like just sort of like you mentioned, so nice.

  You're like, if there's parts of you that feel super annoyed or super irritated or super frustrated or super, whatever, you can on top of that, get really annoyed with the parts of you that like, what is my problem that I'm being so snippy with my kid, like why did I, right? So, then we can have parts of us that like, just don't like each other.

  And so we're constantly left to be feeling criticized and then criticizing ourselves and then criticizing that. And then they talk about this for couples, like in dynamics, they'll say that most of the conflict that happens in interpersonal intimate relationships are what we would call parts wars.

  So a part of me comes out that maybe my partner has a part that doesn't like that part. And so when our parts are sort of like mm-hmm, you know, interacting, it's different than when like, I'm actually. And this is a little bit of the detour, like when I can recognize that there's a part of me that's really activated and when I'm in the part where I'm really anxious and snippy and like looking at the time, I'm like, come on, everybody.

  Stop. What are you dilly dallying? I told you. But when I can recognize that that part's there, then I can say, hey guys, there's a part of me that's really focused on the time. And this part is really worrying that if we don't do what we said we were gonna do, that we are gonna deal with the stuff that we said we didn't wanna deal with.

  And so I noticed this part really is getting loud and wants you to know that I'm concerned that we're getting off track. And so when we can talk for our parts, like to ourselves too or to other people, it makes it so much more open in terms of understanding things.

  Dr. Priyanka Venugopal: Yeah. And you know, I think that what, what always comes up for me, especially this is I think a big piece of coaching too, is a lot of times when I think clients come to work with us, they want to achieve a result.

  So like weight loss or they wanna change a specific habit. But what they really also want, especially for high achievers, is they wanna feel more calm in their mind. What they really want...

  Dr. Kristi Angevine: Exactly.

  Dr. Priyanka Venugopal: ...is the calm in their mind or they want to feel a certain way. And I think what we are talking about is this is the avenue to feel better. When you stop having the struggle with those parts and like to recognize that those parts are holding a heavy burden. They came around for a reason and we've been fighting them. I think that that's also probably a piece of it. Like we didn't know we were fighting them.

  Dr. Kristi Angevine: Exactly.

  Dr. Priyanka Venugopal: We didn't recognize that these were parts to begin with, but like actually recognizing that these are parts that have been holding a burden.

  I just keep thinking about that working mom that feels so tired at the end of the day because she's been fighting all day. And I don't just mean like fighting with her to-do list or fighting with her kids or fighting with her partner, but she's been like having this internal fight of how much she wants to do and how was the second guessing and the ruminating, and that's the part that I think creates real fatigue.

  Right and takes us totally outta our absolutely badass ninja-ness is that piece. And what if we could solve that simply with this?

  Dr. Kristi Angevine: Yeah, no. And that, you know, that movie for, you know, your listeners who don't know tons about IFS, which, you know, because it's kind of a new thing. One of the ways that they teach it is they say, hey, remember that animated feature called Inside Out where, you know the girl has all the different characters in her mind, that's a beautiful representation of exactly what they're talking about.

  And so, if you imagine you've got 10 different cartoon characters that are running around arguing with one another and saying things like, well, you shouldn't do this. Constantly going on as you go through your day, when you finally sit down and have a moment to yourself, it's not serene and quiet. It's just still more of the same.

  And that struggle is the exhausting part. You know, it's, it's actually not all the stuff that we do during the day. It's what we're thinking and feeling as we do it. What parts are present, what parts are battling as we're doing all those things, which is why we can lose the weight or get a different job or do all the things and still, you know, sit at the piano for 30 minutes a day.

  And at the end does not have that sense of either presence or calm or connection internally and wonder like, wait, but I did all the things.

  Dr. Priyanka Venugopal: Right and I think this is, I love that you brought that up. Like you can take all of the actions and lose the weight or stop drinking or you know, you can like find a result, but I don't think it will be permanent forever, ever permanent with ease.

  If you don't do this piece, and I am curious, like, you know, the other thought that I just had was like, when you really start to recognize those parts and validate them and hear what they have to say, I think also it changes the dynamic of the whole classroom. Like it changes the whole system. Right, so it's speaking of ecosystems, when one-piece changes, it's like the whole entire system starts to change.

  I'm imagining, you know, in the kindergarten classroom when that one kid who's being really loud and taking over, when we give that one kid a little bit of attention and recognition and like, listen, I'm listening to you, how the dynamic of the whole entire classroom will start to change. And to me that is what the whole point of this is. Like, it's not just about the one kid. And I think that, you know, if, if you're someone that's like, you know, but I don't know if I wanna spend a lot of time on my anger or spend a lot of time on my frustration. I'm like, this is not just about the one part, this is actually giving all the other parts more of what they deserve. If you solve this one part, you give them all more. I'm curious what you think about that.

  Dr. Kristi Angevine: Yeah, no, this is, I love that because if you think about, you know, the kids in the classroom, if all of them feel seen and heard, and they also know that if they're having a hard day, that they will be seen, heard.

  Somebody will be willing to listen to where they're coming from. Then the dynamic does change so much, and in understanding sort of one aspect of things. We're sort of sending the global message to our entire system. Hey, every single one of you here matters. Like all the thoughts, all the emotions, you all matter.

  I can't interact with all of you at the same time, right? Like I can only do one at a time. But once every part of us knows, oh, she's gonna listen to the part that's really angry right now and understand their perspective, she's also going to do the same with me that makes sometimes, like if there's a critic that's like, doesn't, like when we maybe go off of our plan with eating or something, if the critic sees you talking to the part that really floods you and makes you, you know, eat and you can't stop, and you're like, what just happened?

  If the critic sees you understanding that part, then it's almost like the critic's job doesn't have to be so difficult because this part, you know, the kid's not being so loud anymore. So, the part that criticizes is, doesn't have to be so on guard. So, then they all are like a nice ripple effect where they're like, oh, okay.

  Dr. Priyanka Venugopal: Yeah, I can imagine somebody listening to this is like, that sounds like a lot of work. I don't wanna be a kindergarten teacher handling all the five-year-olds. It sounds exhausting. This sounds like a lot of work, like, you know, listening to one part at a time. I can imagine actually listening to this being like, this sounds way too much.

  You know what? Like I, this is too much. I have too much going on for you to do. This Isn't gonna do this yet. I'm done. So, what would you say to somebody that's like, this sounds like way too much work to do. Like no.

  Dr. Kristi Angevine: The actual difficult thing is not doing this work. It's so much easier.

  Dr. Priyanka Venugopal: Mm-hmm.

  Dr. Kristi Angevine: When you just do it. Yes. Does it take overcoming some entropy and some disinterest and some like, I don't know if I've got time for this. Absolutely. Which is totally reasonable. So, what you just described, it's like that's another part. There's a part that's like, I don't have time for this. Like tick-tock people, we got things to do.

  Right, right. And that's probably connected to the part that knows that you've gotta be efficient about things you don't wanna take all day. So, it's reasonable to have that concern. And it's kinda like, you know, once you slow down and spend a little time then actually it's not so hard, and then you don't have to struggle so much.

  Just sort of like instead of losing your keys every time, maybe a silly example, if you take some time to be like, okay, where's the best place for me to put my keys and how can I put them there every single time, and how can I make sure and maybe get my kids to help me remember, hey mom, did you put your keys in the, in the spot.

  That's gonna take some effort. And yet, once you develop just that routine of your keys, go here, the time savings is huge because you're not spending 25 minutes running around the house like a crazy person trying to find your keys and getting mad. Every week.

  Dr. Priyanka Venugopal: Yes. That's so good. And I think that for anyone that's listening, any high achiever especially, I, I think that it's really normal and common.

  Again, like you said, it's a part of us. Like the part is like, let's go, let's go, let's go. We have so much to do to actually do solid inventory. When you keep that part and you let that part keep driving, what's the lifetime impact of keeping that thought, keeping that part of you driving in the driver's seat, having the loudest voice in the classroom.

  And the image I have is that you're constantly putting on fires everywhere you go. It's like a constant rush. We could keep that right. We're not gonna snatch it away. I want you, you could keep it, but if you can recognize the gravity of like there's a cost to your lived experience if you keep that, I think that's when it's like, okay, it might be worth the investment of my time to slow down for a few minutes and actually figure this out. It's an investment because it starts to save you time down the road. It's like having a disorganized classroom.

  Dr. Kristi Angevine: Yes.

  Dr. Priyanka Venugopal: And the, and the teacher's like, I don't have time to figure this out. And then like she just has a disorganized, crazy classroom forever rather than doing the work at the start to get organized and then have a much calmer experience with her classroom moving forward.

  Dr. Kristi Angevine: Totally. And the thing that crosses my mind here that I think is really important to share is that, so number one, if you hear all this stuff about, you know, coaching internal family systems and you don't know what to do next because you're like, but this sounds so interesting, that's when you go do some reading.

  Dr. Priyanka Venugopal: Mm-hmm.

  Dr. Kristi Angevine: You know, find a therapist or coach or somebody who specializes in you know, the things like you do, you know, or the things like I do, and learn more to get help. Because there's interesting things that you can do that are super practical, but the thing that I wanted to mention is that oftentimes, like with the part of us that you, that's like, let's go, go, go, go, go.

  Let's get all this stuff done. When you actually connect with that part and imagine like you're going out to a coffee date, but it's with this part and you're actually communicating with this part and having a dialogue with it. What if you ask this part like, okay, what are you afraid would happen if we didn't go, go, go, go, go.

  You'll find out that behind that is something else. Like we, and we don't know what it is for, it's different for everybody, but a part might say, well, I'm just worried you are not gonna get all the things done and then you're gonna feel like a failure and then you're going to just deteriorate into massive depression and be a terrible mom.

  Dr. Priyanka Venugopal: Mm-hmm.

  Dr. Kristi Angevine: And so, you go, oh, okay. So, no wonder you're so active. Okay. Makes sense. And then when you can ask that part, like how it lights its job, oftentimes these parts that are these go, go, go parts, they'll be like, what do you mean? Like my job? Like can I like my job? But it's just, it's essential I do it. And then when you...

  Dr. Priyanka Venugopal: Those sweet little parts. Like those like, oh, you, you know, this little, I'm hating on like, I'm literally imagining this little five-year-old with this, you know, this little kid with those huge backpacks and they're like, little people look like they're gonna topple over.

  Dr. Kristi Angevine: Yeah.

  Dr. Priyanka Venugopal: I'm just imagining like a little five-year-old holding this huge backpack with all these weights and it's like, you think I like.

  Dr. Kristi Angevine: Exactly.

  Dr. Priyanka Venugopal: I don't like this. I feel like I have to do this for you. Ugh. Yeah.

  Dr. Kristi Angevine: Right. But they don't know any other way. Right. The little kid backpack is told like, you drop that backpack and everything's gonna go to like this abysmal catastrophe.

  So the kid's like, I'll do it as long as they have to. But when you can sort of plant that seed of hope and be like, hey, if it were possible to make sure that like, you know, catastrophes didn't happen. But you didn't have to do this particular job. Is there something else you might wanna do? Almost invariably, these parts are like, absolutely.

  They either want a vacation, or they wanna go to the roller-skating rink. They want to become your best cheerleader. They want some other role. They're just like, yeah, because they're intrinsic sort of strengths they're drawing on. But when they're holding that big backpack, they don't actually have the freedom to do what they would actually like what they're meant to do, which might be something totally different than their role they've got right now.

  Dr. Priyanka Venugopal: Yeah. Oh. Like and you know, just using a little kid backpack as an example, is like, no kid wants to hold a hundred-pound backpack.

  Dr. Kristi Angevine: Yeah.

  Dr. Priyanka Venugopal: I think, you know, I wanna say that just because it's like, I think we assume that there's a part of us that wants that role, that wants to criticize us, that wants to push us, that wants to overeat over, drink, overthink.

  We think that that part of us just wants it inherently and that there's something inherent about you that is unique that just can't change this. But actually, what we're kind of highlighting is that part of us doesn't actually even want their role. Like, yeah. It's like what if we give it permission.

  Like, oh, you didn't even want the role of the heavy backpack.

  Dr. Kristi Angevine: Yeah. In, you know, sort of family therapy they would call this a parentified child, like a part of us that at a young age took on a role because it was the best it could do at that time. And it might seem like a grown up very sophisticated role.

  And yet sort of when you get to the heart of it, it's like, oh, this part of me has been doing this for a long time, maybe since I was 12 or maybe since I was two, even younger. Yeah. And so usually it's a young part, right? It's a young part of us who has taken on a role that's holding a burden, doing a job, doing its best.

  Absolutely. You know, because it's, didn't know any other way.

  Dr. Priyanka Venugopal: And, you know, I, I'm curious what your thoughts are on this, but I think sometimes it can feel disconcerting or even scary if this has been a part of you for a long time. Particularly this little child is holding this heavy backpack. It feels disconcerting and, and, you know, maybe scary to put the backpack down. Because it's been...

  Dr. Kristi Angevine: A hundred percent.

  Dr. Priyanka Venugopal: ...holding it for so long. It's so familiar.

  Dr. Kristi Angevine: Yeah.

  Dr. Priyanka Venugopal: It's so practical that the idea of putting it down, like it feels like your safety is under threat. Yeah, and I think that that's an important piece, like what we're talking about today, is planting a seed. For anyone that's listening, you're, we're planting a seed at the idea, the possibility that there are parts of you that you know, are carrying a heavy burden that you don't want to, but I'm curious what your thoughts are on creating safety for those parts to put the backpack down. Like how somebody can...

  Dr. Kristi Angevine: Yeah.

  Dr. Priyanka Venugopal: ...do that? Because I, I know, at least for me, my experience is when it's unfamiliar, it's ooh, like let's just maybe hold onto the backpack, especially if it's for decades, like decades old.

  Dr. Kristi Angevine: Absolutely. This is why it can be really important to do this in community or with somebody who can guide you through this because doing solo IFS or self-coaching can be a little bit unnerving.

  Dr. Priyanka Venugopal: Yeah.

  Dr. Kristi Angevine: But the basics can be that is any way that you can create or source internal safety for yourself.

  Those things, like any sort of self-regulation techniques, like okay, it feels unnerving to set down this, you know, like the practice of criticizing myself. I don't know any other way. Of course, it does. Okay, so let me do some box breathing and remind myself that even though it's familiar and even though it feels so horribly, like my skin being peeled off and this is really risky. The actual truth is, you know, and that type of talking to ourselves, like the truth is there may be a different way that might not be as scary as I think.

  Dr. Priyanka Venugopal: Yeah.

  Dr. Kristi Angevine: And if I can open up to that possibility from a place of knowing that like, well, even if I tried out this different way and it didn't work out okay, I can also go back to that.

  It can be very soft and very gentle. Sort of like, again, like, like you're talking to somebody who's really scared and nervous. You talk to yourself in that way. And you really prioritize creating that safety for all of your parts because it's like, yeah, like you said, of course. Like why you would wanna put down something that's been like, it's been working, you haven't died.

  It's worked for 30 to 40 or 50 years. Yeah, of course it feels a little bit [00:48:00] terrible.

  Dr. Priyanka Venugopal: Right? I almost imagine the way that you described it is like you're talking to another part that's like holding hands. You know, like, like fear or, you know, worry is holding hands with this part that maybe you're trying to unpack and unravel.

  And it's like trying to protect that other part, right? So now we have these two parts. They're like little besties holding hands, and they both are carrying a hundred-pound weights. And it's almost like telling, you know, the part that is feeling afraid or feeling worried. Like, listen, I know you're worried about your friend putting down her backpack, but I want you to know she's totally okay.

  Like, let's look around. Let's really show both parts that it's actually safe to do it and to enforce yourself. I think that, again, the purpose of this episode is just to plant seeds of possibility, plant seeds of awareness, where I think high achievers can just know if they have been feeling the struggle, if they feel this fatigue of this constant battle in their mind, that it's okay, and also there's a pathway forward, which, yeah, it's kind of what you've been highlighting this whole episode.

  Dr. Kristi Angevine: The idea is to be like a merchant of hope for our system to be like, there is a different way and yes, it's unfamiliar and like that makes sense. And that idea of just sort of like, almost like globally validating that any part of us that has objections to things like even that makes sense. Like the little bestie...

  Dr. Priyanka Venugopal: Yeah.

  Dr. Kristi Angevine: ...makes sense. That she shows up to be like, what? I don't think so. It's like, And when we can get those parts to trust us, you know, the US or the Capital U or the, you know, Self with the capital S as they would call it, when they can trust us and they know that they can set the backpack down and the whole system's not gonna collapse and that we can actually take that backpack and like we can hold a billion of those backpacks.

  No problem. You can give it to me. I've got this, this is fine. Then sometimes there's that, like you mentioned that relief earlier of that ha. We can figure this out and we can do it in a different way that doesn't rely on those old burdens to continue to be carried in these old ways.

  Dr. Priyanka Venugopal: Yeah.

  Dr. Kristi Angevine: That is awesome in some contexts, but maybe not all the time.

  Dr. Priyanka Venugopal: Right. And I think one of the key pieces that I want to highlight, and I feel like this kind of came up when we did our advanced certification in deep dive coaching. We talked about that feeling of trust and safety. I think that up until now that relationship you have had with the parts has been the stern, you know, like kind of lip service, like yeah, yeah, yeah.

  Listen to you, but you don't really listen. Like if you've been that teacher when you've been running the classroom, to actually give yourself permission to apologize to your parts.

  Dr. Kristi Angevine: Yeah.

  Dr. Priyanka Venugopal: If you think about how am I going to have trust with my child? I mean, this is like in my experience with my seven- and four-year-old, if I have done that and I've totally done that, where I'm like, yeah, yeah, yeah, I'll listen later, but I don't really want to actually go back and be willing to apologize.

  Like I can set my ego aside. Just like the kindergarten teacher can set her ego aside with a five-year-old. Listen, I'm so sorry that up until now I have not been listening to you. I really do want to listen to you, and I apologize that I haven't. I think just recognizing your part. If you haven't been doing this, you don't have to blame yourself or shame yourself or judge yourself again, that's just another part, but to take responsibility for it and apologize. I can imagine trust can be immediately fostered when you take responsibility.

  I'm curious what you think about a hundred percent.

  Dr. Kristi Angevine: Oh wait. Yeah. I couldn't have said it any better. It makes me just think of it as if your interactions with other people are little chapters. You can always go back and rewrite the end of the chapter like, cuz if the end of the chapter is given my kid lip service like rolled my eyes and yes, like pretty much blaming or shaming them for making my life so much harder when really, I want the best for them.

  If that's the end of the chapter and that's always the end of the chapter, like you can have like a whole book, but that's where the chapter ends. You can go back in and almost change the ending to every single one of those chapters with a repair where it comes into being like, there’s a part of me that was like, honestly, just wants to be my best.

  Like, I overreacted. I was just giving lip service cuz there was a part of me that was, you know, just really stressed and I'm so sorry. That's not the way I really wanted to show up. Mm-hmm. But I'm here to listen now.

  Dr. Priyanka Venugopal: Yeah.

  Dr. Kristi Angevine: Because then it acknowledges like for kids, like it acknowledges their experience that you're saying like, if you picked up on me just giving you lip service, you were right.

  You picked up on the accurate thing. We don't go back and say, well, you know what, if you just listen better, like we don't go back and sort of ...

  Dr. Priyanka Venugopal: They pick uplight manipulation, they really pick up on it a hundred percent.

  Dr. Kristi Angevine: They know, they totally just go back honestly and just be like, what you picked up on.

  Yes, totally, totally there. Yes. And I'm sorry about that. Like I kinda wish I hadn't done that. And it's also modeling that like sometimes we do that, sometimes parts of us that we don't love to come online and interact and we're not sort of blaming and shaming ourselves in front of our kids. We're just, we're not like, God, what's my problem?

  I'm so sorry. We're like, yeah, I did that.

  Dr. Priyanka Venugopal: Yeah.

  Dr. Kristi Angevine: And I am really sorry.

  Dr. Priyanka Venugopal: I'm sorry.

  Dr. Kristi Angevine: And I'm gonna try to do better. And you know, you'll probably do this too. You'll probably do things that you don't love and then later on recognize it and come back. And then, we just rinse and repeat. We go forward with this sort of like, yeah, we're human.

  So, this is part of our human experience. It's like some of our parts get activated and sometimes right, we come back and just like own that.

  Dr. Priyanka Venugopal: And I think like all of what we're talking about today, it's like really doing the work of not villainizing any parts of us. And this actually reminds me of something that Dr. Becky said from Becky Good Inside. Dr. Becky Good Inside.

  Dr. Kristi Angevine: Love her.

  Dr. Priyanka Venugopal: She talks, I love her so much. She talks about, I think especially when children are young, definitely for us. When we were younger, we learned that certain parts of us were quote unquote bad. And this is just programming that we got from school, family of origin, society that like, you know, when you are a certain way, that's quote unquote not good.

  And so, we grow up with that paradigm and that's why we villainize certain parts of us. And we're kind of having to reparent ourselves and understand that actually no parts of us are bad or we don't ever have to villainize them. And what if, what would it be like if we just changed our relationship with every part of us, even the ones that feel dark and dirty?

  Like, what if it's not dark and dirty? What if it's just a part of us trying to serve us holding a heavy backpack like we could just not villainize any of it. That's kind of what was just coming up for you when I was thinking about apologizing for all those times that maybe I wasn't listening like...

  Dr. Kristi Angevine: Mm-hmm.

  Dr. Priyanka Venugopal: Let's just not make that a problem either.

  Dr. Kristi Angevine: Yeah. It's just so perfect because that very sort of like broad change in your relationship to all of your parts, that's what actually makes this the most efficient way to get some traction and make change as opposed to like, oh my gosh, I gotta talk to all these parts.

  We gotta do. Also, it's like, no, no, no. When you just change your relationship to the parts such that you come from a place of calm, curiosity and warmth, then it's the classroom where all of a sudden the teacher in that one kid isn't worrying all the time while chaos is breaking out. It's like, no, no, no.

  She listens, she's kind, or he listens, he's kind, and then everybody else just goes, oh, I know. I'll get that attention when I need it too.

  Dr. Priyanka Venugopal: Yeah, and I think that this is kind of the pathway to creating what you referred to at the beginning of the episode as a more harmonious ecosystem. Just changing the relationship with the parts and I love that we got to have this conversation.

  I feel like we like to keep going and we're gonna do it again, I'm sure. But I hope you all listening to this episode enjoyed this perspective of all the emotional experiences that you have. There are so many thoughts, millions of them and so many emotions that we experience, and I think high achievers are very ninja full, very practical and skilled at multitasking all of them and trying to shut down and bulldoze the harder emotions. But that is the reason that you ever go to overeating or over drinking or over ruminating. This is solving it at the root, really changing your relationship with those parts. They just want your attention.

  They don't wanna be holding the heavy backpack. I think this has been such a good conversation just to start recognizing that. And Kristi, can you tell us all how we can hear more about you, hear if people wanna come follow you, how they can do that.

  Dr. Kristi Angevine: Absolutely. So I would be remiss if I didn't mention, if somebody wants to learn more about Internal Family Systems, you can go to the ifs-institute.com or the book for the Lay Public is called No Bad Parts by Dick Schwartz.

  Amazing resource for that. And all my stuff is very simple. It's all habitsonpurpose.com. So Habits on Purpose is my podcast. Habits On Purpose for Physicians is my group program, and you can find me online at Habits on Purpose, or just Kristine Angevine.

  Dr. Priyanka Venugopal: I love it. Kristi, thank you so much for coming.

  This has been such a good conversation, and I will see you all next week. Bye. I would love to celebrate with you. The one-year anniversary of The Unstoppable Mom Brain Podcast is just around the corner. My intention with starting this podcast has been to share my voice, perspective, and experience as a busy working mom who has solved a problem.

  I love bringing you these episodes that discuss strategy and mindset, and I hope that you have felt a breath of fresh air and even shifts in your life from this podcast. So, let's talk about how I would love to celebrate. I'm hosting a giveaway for all of my listeners. To enter the giveaway, head over to your favorite podcast platform and leave a rating and review of the show.

  Your ratings and reviews make this podcast more findable, which I think is just the absolute best way to celebrate this podcast. When you do that, take a screenshot and send it over to us at theunstoppablemombrain.com/celebrate. One lucky listener is going to win a pair of Apple AirPods, which I think is just fitting when it comes to listening to this podcast.

  Don't wait to enter your ratings and reviews mean so much. So, head on over to your favorite podcast platform. Leave a rating and review of the show, take a screenshot, and then head over to theunstoppablemombrain.com/celebrate and you'll follow the simple prompts to share your entry and information.

  The giveaway ends on Tuesday, April 18th at midnight. I'll be announcing the winner shortly after. Thank you so much for celebrating with me in this way, and I love you all. Have an amazing week. Bye. Thanks for listening to The Unstoppable Mom Brain Podcast. It's been an honor spending this time with you and your brilliant brain.

  If you want more resources or information from the show, head on over to theunstoppablemombrain.com.