Episode #63: Dropping Restrictive Rules

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Summary

Back when I was studying for my board exams, I was obsessed with rules and creating a strict study schedule for myself. I thought, as long as I follow the rules perfectly, then I’ll pass. We envision this ideal future and hitting a goal, and we think the plan is what’s going to get us there. However, when it comes to following through, we can’t always stick to the plan. Can you relate?

As high achievers, we love rules. But can you feel the difference between following rules that are restrictive, versus following rules that create more of what you want? If you identify as a high achiever who is trying to reach your ideal weight in a way that feels sustainable, this is a super important distinction to make.

Tune in this week to discover why, if you’re trying to reach your ideal forever weight, you need to drop the restrictive rules. I’m sharing how restrictive rules actually make it harder for us to reach our goals, and I’m giving you a new strategy that will help you lose weight or achieve any goal with more ease and fun.

If you want to learn how to leverage imperfect moments and overcome the obstacles unique to high-achievers, you can still get the replay of my free webinar: How to Lose Weight for the High-Achiever’s Brain. This webinar will show you your high-achiever tendencies, why they’re delaying your results, and give you the tools you need to correct them. Click here to get it!

What You’ll Learn from this Episode:

• How to see your high-achieving brain’s love for strict rules.
• Why it’s so difficult to follow the plans our high-achieving brains make.
• The emotions that come up as a result of the restrictive rules we make for ourselves.
• Why we try to use rules to change our behavior, and why it doesn’t work.
• An effective tool you can use to change your behavior, instead of using rules.
• How to catch yourself when you’re setting restrictive rules that are stopping you from achieving your goals sustainably.
• Why you always have a choice, and what it looks like to operate from choice.

Listen to the Full Episode:

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Full Episode Transcript:

Click here to download the full transcript

• This is Dr. Priyanka Venugopal, and you're listening to the Unstoppable Mom Brain Podcast, Episode 63, Dropping Restrictive Rules. I have been having this notes app open on my phone for probably weeks, maybe months, as I've really been exploring this concept that I think is going to be really helpful if you identify as a high achiever, and that is the difference between rules that feel restrictive versus following rules that really create more of what you want. 

  So I hope you all enjoy this episode. It's going to be chit chatty. It's going to be fun. I'm going to go all over the place, but we are going to come back really ultimately for what you want, which is hitting your dream ideal weight in a way that feels sustainable and forever for you.

  Before we get into the episode, I want to make sure you know, I recently did a live training on How to Lose Weight with a High Achiever's Brain, and you can go and get this training right now for you to go and start really implementing this. It is going to be so, so valuable for you. You can go get that training over at theunstoppablemombrain.com/training, and it will be in your email inbox for you to start implementing.

  Even what we're talking about today is something we covered on this live training, so I hope you enjoy it and let's get into the episode. If you want to reach your ideal weight and create lightness for your body, you need to have simplicity, joy, and strategic decisions infused into your life. I'm a physician turned life and weight loss coach for ambitious working moms.

  I've lost over 60 pounds without counting points, calories, or crazy exercise plans. Most importantly, I feel calm and light on the scale and in my life. There's some delicious magic when you learn this work and the skills I'm going to be teaching. Ready? Let's get to it.

  So I first kind of want to have all of you that identify as high achievers to think about what it is for us high achievers and why it is that we love rules so much. So before I kind of even get into the way I defined this, I wanna tell you a story from the time that I was studying for my oral board exams.

  So if you're brand new to me, I am a board certified OB/Gyn and one of the hardest periods of my life was when I was studying for oral board exams. I remember probably like a year before you take them, or, I mean even before that. The idea of oral board exams is, it's a very, very big deal and it's made a very big deal in residency how to prepare for oral boards, how to study for them. 

  And I remember that at that time in my life, I was number one, not only was I a rule follower, I was kind of obsessed with plans and strategies and rules. So to study for my oral board exams. I remember I printed out, I think I've even told this story on the podcast before, but just as a recap, I printed out a calendar, like into those monthly calendars that you kind of print out like a calendar per month.

  So January, February, March, a calendar for the whole entire year. And I basically, broke down the chapters of my obstetrics and gynecology textbooks and the articles that I had to read and the practice bulletins that I had to cover. I broke down all of the material onto this calendar and I told myself, if I follow this calendar, then I will have studied enough to pass these boards.

  And I turned a lot of my studying, a lot of my desire to pass this exam. I turned it into me following the rules. Okay? So the predominant thought for me was, if I follow this, then I'll pass. If I studying this way, then I'll pass. And what that kind of morphed into over time, not surprisingly, was you have to follow the schedule.

  You have to follow this plan. You have to follow these rules to pass this exam, to do well on this exam. And I wanna just tell you if you're familiar with this, and if you're a high achiever, I'm guessing you are. How that really felt for me. So it felt really nice to make the rules. It felt really nice to put the plan on paper because I had this idea in my mind that like, if I just follow this perfectly, then I'm going to hit my goal.

  Right? So this is why high achievers love plans, because making a plan feels really good. It's like we are envisioning a future of being at our dream ideal weight, of passing our oral boards. We have a dream of hitting this goal and we believe this plan is going to get us there. So I want just for anyone that's ever been addicted to making plans or addicted to rules, I want you to know that that's normal.

  It's because you have this idea that if I follow the plan and if I follow these rules, then I'm going to hit my goal. So me not surprisingly, fell in love with rule following. So I remember thinking, okay, making this plan is awesome. My husband would come out, see me with all my highlighters and my colored pens making this plan, and he'd just kind of like, do this walk by where he'd be like, ah-huh.

  Yeah, right? Like he had this idea like, yeah, right. You're definitely not gonna follow that cuz he had seen me not follow it before. He's like, okay, we'll see you next week, printing out a brand new calendar. And not surprisingly, that's exactly what happened. So I wanna tell you why that happened. So I would make my plan.

  And it felt really good making my plan. It looked gorgeous, it looked beautiful. I could probably laminate it and like hang it on my wall. It looked that good. And then it came down to implementing the plan. So now it would be Tuesday afternoon and I would get home and the plan might have said, read chapter two of Tolin or, and again, this is if you're an OB/Gyn, if you're familiar with these predicates, time to read practice bulletin number 100.

  And that moment would come and I would have this thought. Which is, you have to read this, you have to read this, you have to study it, you better do it. If you don't do it, then you're not going to pass. If you don't do it, then you're going to get behind. And the feeling that I had, the predominant feeling that I had was pressure for sure.

  And I felt really restricted. I felt like I'm not getting to have any fun. I've just spent the whole day, you know, as a resident especially, I've just spent the whole day as a resident, or I've been busy all day at work. I just want a break, and here I am sitting here and I have to study. So I felt this very negative emotion in my body.

  And it was a mix of pressure and some overwhelm and some like frustration and righteous indignation. Like, I don't want to. And I found myself really wanting to rebel against the rules and let me tell you what this looked like. So I want all of you to think about it. This is familiar for you. I had a rule.

  Which was, I have to do this. I'm supposed to do this. And the way this manifested was a lot of chatter. I might even get to the point of opening the textbook, but like, let me be honest, there might have even been many days where I was like, screw that. I don't want to today. You know what? I'll just read two chapters tomorrow.

  So that's such a familiar way of knowing we're like trying to break the rules because I was like, I don't wanna do it tomorrow. I'll be two chapters tomorrow. I just wanna break today. That was one way that this manifested. The second way that this would manifest is like maybe I would kind of force myself to sit and like open up the chapter, but my mind would not be on the chapter.

  I wouldn't actually be reading the practice bulletin. My mind would be distracted, like I would have some email open on my phone, or I would like open up Instagram or Facebook. I would take a minute and scroll. I would, you know, take a break and go play with my kids. I would be like, let me peruse the pantry right.

  The way that it manifested in my life was because I felt forced, like I have to be here. I'm supposed to be doing this. I felt this combination of resigned and annoyed and stressed and frustrated. It manifested in the way that I showed up in reading that article. I was just half-assed doing it or not doing it at all. 

  And I think that so long, and let me just play this one out. The way that this showed up then on my result line is I might have read the article, but I didn't actually read it. You know what I mean? Where you read it, but you didn't actually read it. You have to go back and read it again anyway. I cannot tell you how many times I did that when I was studying for oral boards. 

  I would read something. And like I was physically there and my eyeballs were reading the words on the page, but I wasn't actually learning anything because I didn't want to be there. I wanted to be off doing something else. I felt so restricted. I felt deprived of comfort, pleasure, and relaxation.

  I felt just resigned. It was just a mix of all kinds of things bad. And what this did was two things. Number one, I got really behind on studying because not only would I either skip the chapter or try to double up the next day, but even if I did read the chapter, I didn't read the chapter. I got so behind in studying for my exam. 

  And I kept thinking in my mind like this pile of overwhelm just started building and building and building. So with every passing day that I didn't follow through every passing day that I tried to put that chapter off, or every passing day that I read the chapter but didn't really read the chapter, my pile of pendings grew and grew and grew.

  And that was where I started feeling really overwhelmed. So the date of the exam, like I had a year, and then all of a sudden I had nine months, and then eight months and seven months, and all of a sudden I had to really contend with this pile of overwhelm, all of these chapters that I didn't really know all of these practice bulletins that I didn't know.

  I had to really figure out like, what am I going to do now? Am I going to delay my exam? Am I going to just try to muscle through? Because clearly the strategy is not working. I wanna tell you for so long, and I'm so curious how all of you have felt about this, particularly if you have been a high achiever who loves rules, as I spent decades of my life, and this is just a prime example, which is why I'm sharing it.

  I used rules to try to change my behavior. Right, so I was trying to use rules. I was trying to use this schedule, this plan, this I have to do, I'm supposed to do, I should do to change my behavior. And if you've been following along this podcast for a while, what we know is that the root of our behavior cannot change with rules.

  So I wanna just take a pause on the story. I'm gonna tell you what I did in a minute, but I wanna take a pause here and remind you where behavior and behavior changes come from. They always come from the think, feel, act cycle. So as a recap, I want you to think about all of our behaviors, all of the actions that we take, whether we study or we don't. Whether we, you know, bring focus to our work or we don't. Whether we follow our meal plan or we don't. Whether we eat or we overeat. All of the behaviors that we ever, ever have are always driven by a feeling. And every feeling that we ever have is created by a thought we have. So I wanna kind of come to my example that I was sharing with oral boards and studying for oral boards.

  I had the thought, which was, I have to do this. I better do this. If I don't do this, I'm not going to pass. And the feeling that I had was pressure, resignation, was [00:11:00] stressed and worried. And the way that that manifested, the way that that showed up is I did not want to study. I wanted to rebel against my plan.

  I wanted a break from the pressure, the stress, the worry, and I think that I had to learn this lesson the hard way, which was no amount of me making a strict plan. No amount of rules that I could give myself was going to guarantee that I sat down and studied. Think of the last diet that you tried. Think of the last diet, which was, you know, I'm going to eat this and I'm not going to eat that, or, I'm gonna eat a thousand calories per day, or I'm going to do no carb, or I'm going to do no flour, no sugar, or I'm going to do a juice cleanse, or I'm going to do that detox.

  When we think about the way we eat in the form of rules of can'ts and shoulds and shouldn't. I want you to check in with how it feels, and I think that this was something for so many decades, especially because I'm so practically minded. I did not ever really pay attention [00:12:00] to how it felt to force myself to like really apply some of these rules.

  Coming back to the think, feel, act cycle, how it has felt for you to run weight loss by rules. This might be really hard for you specifically because this might happen so fast that you don't realize why you're doing what you're doing. So for me, when I think about my oral board exams, for example, like in that moment when I was like, I don't wanna read the chapter, or I would read the chapter, but not really read the chapter, I don't think I was even aware of what I was thinking and feeling.

  I just knew that I didn't feel like it. I didn't wanna read this chapter. I felt so pressured. I felt so overwhelmed. I felt so worried. I didn't know that my thoughts and my feelings were driving me to show up in this way. No amount of rulemaking is ever going to change your behavior. So I think a good example for weight loss, and I've talked about this before, is this concept of no flour, no sugar is something that's taken weight loss by storm.

  So many people will recommend no flour, no sugar, and I too love to recommend taking a break because of the health benefits that it has. But so many people will turn a tool like no flour, no sugar into a weapon, right? So it'll sound like I'm not supposed to eat flour and sugar. I'm not allowed to eat flour and sugar.

  I have to eat foods that have no flour, no sugar. And we'll turn what could be a tool into a weapon. When you really think about not eating flour and sugar, how does it feel for you? What are your thoughts about it? Let me tell you the trouble with focusing on the rules, focusing on what you're supposed to do, what you should do, what you have to do.

  Let's just talk about what the problem with that is. When we can just focus on the rules, and this might look like I have to study. I have to finish this project. I have to finish this work. I'm supposed to not eat flour and sugar. I can't eat that cake. I can't eat that cookie. I can't eat that size of pizza.

  When we focus on the rules, what we are not doing is we're not focusing on our deeper desires. Okay? So my oral board exams is a perfect example. I was focusing on, I have to study, I'm supposed to read this chapter. I have to get through this practice bulletin. While I was focusing on the rules of studying, I wasn't focusing on my desired result, which was to become a board certified OB/Gyn.

  Now, let me tell you, when I think about being a board certified OB/Gyn. When I think about being the best physician for my patients, when I think about just having a plethora of information in my brain at my fingertips, I feel so lit up. I want you to think about that when I, when I think about like, you know what, it's not that I have to study.

  It's not that I have to read this practice bulletin, but I really wanna become a board certified OB/Gyn. I really wanna know this information so well. I really want to serve my patients so well. I wanna be the physician in the office that everybody comes to. All of a sudden, that feeling of lit up energy, the feeling of commitment just is coursing through me.

  So I share this example because this was actually what I had to do. What I realized as I was studying for my exams was I had forgotten because I was so focused on the rules and so focused on the practice bulletins and the chapters that I was supposed to be reading, I had totally forgotten about my desire.

  Like why am I even sitting here and studying? Why am I even forcing myself to do this. Oh, it's because of my desire. I had to re-remember my why. This is something that I tell my clients all the time inside the Unstoppable Group is you cannot take you wanting to lose weight for granted. You have to remind yourself on a daily basis why you want it.

  I think it is like such a gift to remember. Wait a second. I actually want to lose weight because, and fill in blank. I really want to reach my ideal weight because here's why. And I think that this might seem almost like semantics, like yeah, but Priyanka, you're still having to study the practice bulletin or yeah, Priyanka, but you're still, you know, not snacking in the middle of the night or you're still going to do the no flour, no sugar.

  That's true. But I wanna tell you that the semantics of how you tell the story matters because of how it feels. So when I tell myself I have to study or I'm supposed to study. I felt that pressure, that stress, that overwhelmed, that resignation and we saw using the think, feel, act cycle, what that looked like, right?

  Eventually I was like, screw it. Forget it. This is too much. I don't want to, and I read against that and I created the result of me not studying, getting more and more behind creating my large and larger pile of overwhelm. As opposed to when I remember like, wait a second, I love this field. I cannot wait to get board certified.

  I cannot wait to be that physician in the office that knows everything. Oh my gosh, how fun is that going to be for me to learn this material? Because remember, I love this. So what would that feel like if I thought about it in that way? I feel lit up. I feel excited. I feel motivated. I feel committed, and then I still sit down and I read the chapter.

  So I want you to think about in both scenarios, my action might still be reading the chapter. Reading the practice bulletin. Not snacking when I'm not hungry. Saying no to flour and sugar. My actions are the same in both scenarios, but the difference is what is fueling me in both of those actions. When my thoughts are really focused on rules and what I can and cannot do, what I have to do and what I should and shouldn't do, I really feel crappy.

  It really feels terrible because no human wants to be given rules. No human wants the constraints of being told what they can and cannot do. At some point along the way, your brain is going to rebel against it, and I think this is kind of the whole intention of today's episode is to allow yourself to pivot.

  You might still take the same actions. You might still say no to snacking. You might still say, I'm gonna take a break from flour and sugar. I'm still going to read this practice book, and I'm going to still read this chapter. But really remembering your desire and then your choices. I love this topic so much.

  It's a topic that I can just go on and on about because the idea of having rules makes us forget that we actually have a choice. And that's the whole intention of today's episode for high achievers to remember that they always have a choice. You have a choice. You can change your mind. And what would it look like to operate from that place?

  Now I can hear somebody saying Priyanka, but that means, but I still have to do it. If I want the results, I still have to do it. I hear what you're saying and absolutely. If you want to really focus on that paradigm and like to focus on the actions you do and don't do, you could keep that right. I think my board exams were such a good example.

  Like I did have to read all the practice bulletins. I did have to read the chapters. It's true. I had to go through the material for me to pass words. But the purpose of today's episode is how is it serving you to think about your plan, to think about the decisions that you're making with that lens? And what would it look like if you dropped that way of telling the story and instead remembered your desires and the choices that you have?

  And here's what happens when you do this piece, when you step into remembering why you want to lose weight. Why do you want to reach that dream ideal weight? Why do you wanna feel lighter in your body? Why do you want to have more energy? Why you might want to say no to overeating. Why you might want to say no to flour and sugar. Why you might want to do that.

  And you remember your desire and your choice in this. All of a sudden you start to practice really allowing yourself to step into full agency and control. I think that the biggest thing that happens for high achievers is, and the biggest thing that high achievers want is they want to feel in control.

  They want to feel powerful. So when we remember our desire, when we remember that we always have a choice that we don't actually ever have to do any of it. We all of a sudden feel better because we remember our power, right? We remember our power and following through might feel hard sometimes sitting down with that practice bulletin or that chapter might feel hard sometimes.

  And also just think about really honoring that desire and what it creates for you, not only just with board exams, but absolutely with losing weight and reaching my ideal weight every time that it came to me, following through on my plan and sitting down and reading the practice bulletin or sitting down and not eating when I wasn't hungry. It was me simply honoring that desire. Remembering the desire that I had, and knowing this, sometimes it is hard to follow through.

  It's okay, I'm going to practice following through. Even when it's hard reminding myself, I'm always choosing this. Right? I actually want to do this because, and especially for high achievers, giving ourselves the grace to practice. Practicing this is just a skill, right? Practicing saying no to something when it's hard is a skill.

  Practicing following through in the moment on something might be hard, and it's a skill. What is the language that we're using, right? If you find yourself thinking, I have to, I'm supposed to, I should, just catch it. Just catch it. Because the semantics of what you're telling yourself really matters. I hope that this episode was helpful for you to reframe how you think about your strategy. Because you can pick the best strategy. You can pick the most effective, most efficient strategy to hit your dream, ideal weight, but I promise you, if you think of it as have-tos and shoulds and rules and shouldn't, it's not going to last.

  It's going to be something that you can implement for a day, a week, a month, and then eventually your brain is going to rebel against it. The way to solve this truly is to love your strategy, to love it and trust it, but then also have the semantics around it. To really think about why it is that you're doing what you're doing.

  Remembering your choice and knowing that you just simply get to practice following through even when it's hard. I hope you all enjoyed today's episode. This was really one that's been on my mind for a while because I see high achievers really having so many thoughts about rules and plans because the more rules we have, the more restricted we feel, and I think high achievers are working hard enough that they don't want to feel restricted in this one area.

  And honestly, this is the gateway out. I hope you'll enjoy today's episode and if you start reframing your thoughts about roles, if you start shifting your have todo’s and shoulds into your desires and choices, I want to hear from you. Drop me a DM, send me a message on Instagram at @theunstoppablemombrain.

  I want to hear from you. Let me know what you thought of this episode and if you implement some of these skills in your life. I hope you guys have an amazing week, and I will see you next time. Also, wanna make sure that you remember to grab the free training. So if you have been enjoying what we are doing together on this podcast, go and grab that free training over at theunstoppablemombrain.com/training.

  It is a masterclass for how high achievers can lose weight with their high achiever brains. There are some specific things that high achievers are doing around perfectionism, procrastination, and absolute pleasure that is holding back dream results, right? Today we talked about procrastination effectively at length.

  One of the reasons that we procrastinate on following our plan is simply because of how we tell the story around our strategy. So if you enjoy this, absolutely go and grab that free training. It is going to be such a good one. I'll see you all next week. Bye. Thanks for listening to the Unstoppable Mom Brain Podcast.

  It's been an honor spending this time with you and your brilliant brain. If you want more resources or information from the show, head on over to theunstoppablemombrain.com.